A few weeks ago, twelve year old BoPeepPork was drinking bottled water. Suddenly, the bottle turned into a iguana and said, “NO ONE CAN ESCAPE A STAAAALKER!!!!”
“By gollywhocks!” BoPeepPork shouted. He ran around in circles, until he fainted. He is currently surviving on life support.
Such is the story of thousands of Americans last week, all drinking bottled water. Stalker researcher U. Cant Escape says, “Just last week, over 50,000 citizens were struck with PTSD (post -traumatic stalker disorder), all of whom were regular drinkers of bottled water. Coincidence? I think not!”
He then went on to explain that the Stalker Squad recently hosted a meeting, with the CEO's of bottled water companies invited. When we asked I. M. N. Scam (president of Fiji Water) about this, he said, “Hey, what are you doing here?! Security! Call the FBI!” The interview was abruptly ended.
Some insiders have told us that the meeting was actually about how they could fit nano-stalker devices into bottled water. It is said that 481723948712576015 dollars have been exchanged for these tracking devices.
“It's simply incredible what they're doing! Randy's going to take over the world, one bottle at a time.”
Well, it's just another reason not to drink bottled water.
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