Government Building is Now Rubble, Stalker Squad to Blame

“One normal day, I was walking home,” says an anonymous bystander. “Then all of a sudden, I heard a BOOOOOM!!! I turned around, and the government building was gone!”

Such is the story of many people living in the area. Yesterday night, the government building spontaneously exploded, for no apparent reason. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but all the survivors are suffering from post traumatic stalker disorder.

“Most buildings don't explode,” says Captain Obvious. “I think Randy has something to do with this!”

Stalker researchers say that Randy planted a broccoli head in a desk. This broccoli secretly had a tracking device in it. An unassuming employee picked it up, and the broccoli became alive! This employee accidentally tripped, and fell on the floor, dropping the broccoli. However, the veggie then fell into a chute connected to an experimental nuclear fusion plant. It just so happened that the plant didn't like broccoli, and it decided to EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!

But was it a coincidence that the plant didn't like broccoli? Researchers think not. O. M. Golly says, “What's the chance that a nuclear fusion plant doesn't like veggies? And then what's the chance of not liking broccoli? Slim to none. We believe that Randy coordinated this, making sure ahead of time that it didn't like broccoli.”

The federal government has now raised Stalker likeliness level to “By gollywhocks we're all going to get stalked!”

Stalker Squad Unveils “E-Stalking”

A few weeks ago, four year old MaryJoeBob was playing on the computer. While playing Reader Rabbit, a flashing image of Randy appeared, along with the sound clip, “I WILL STAAAAAALK YOU!!!!!!” She is currently suffering from seizures.

MaryJoeBob's parents were outraged, and decided to sue the company that made Reader Rabbit. However, they claimed that no one ever programed the flashing image.

Then how did it happen? Most stalker researchers believe it was E-Stalking. Randy sent out a malicious virus, which firewalls and antiviruses can not detect, and infected MaryJoeBob's computer. It then planted a tracking device, allowing the Stalker Squad to access any information on the computer, and more importantly, STALK the victim!

“No computer is safe,” says stalker researcher I. Will Stalk U. “Whether you have Windows, Mac, Linux, Solaris, it doesn't matter. RANDY WILL STALK YOU!!!!!”

But it's not just computers. Rumor has it that Apple recently made a deal with the Stalker Squad, meaning all iPods sold will secretly have tracking devices. Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, says, “Hey, how did you know?!”

It has also rumored that Steve Jobs is being held hostage at Bailey Road. Stay tuned for more updates.

Stalker Acronyms for Online Chatting

Basic

SS – Stalker squad
BG – By gollywhocks
GW – Gollywhocks
OMGGG – Oh my good golly gosh
ODM – Oh deary me
WZ – Wowie zowie
BHH – Brouhaha
ICS – I can't escape
YCS – You can't escape
RIS – Randy is here!!!!!!!!!!! :O

Complex
RISMBG – Randy is stalking me by gollywhocks
RISYBG – Randy is stalking you by gollywhocks
RBCTEDNS – Randy, Bailey, Clifford, Tucker, Edwards Jones, DJ Owens, Nelson, Selma
UOIABHH – Uh oh, it's a brouhaha
TSSICON – The Stalker Squad is coming oh no
YCRBYCH – You can run but you can't hide
NOCEAS – No one can escape a STALKER!!!!!
YCEYK – You can't escape, you know

You can also combine acronyms! For example . . .
OMGGGRISMBG – Oh my good golly gosh, Randy is stalking me by gollywhocks

Nanostalking – The Wave of the Future?

Tracking devices have become synonymous with stalkers. In fact, the Stalker Squad has been reported to have over 999999999999999999 of these devices.

But are a new breed of these stalker trinkets coming? Some stalker scientists think so. Researchers at the MIS (Massachusetts Institute of Stalking) have developed a new kind of tracking device, one billionth smaller than current ones.

“It really is an exciting development,” says stalker researcher B. Gollywhocks. “This can be the future of stalking.”

Nanostalker tracking devices will be the size of red blood cells, small enough to fit through blood vessels. The challenge, however, is how to get them into your body.

“Some researchers are trying to make them go up your nose, ear canal, or mouth. Others are experimenting with injections.”

In fact, nanostalker tracking devices have been found in flu vaccines and other shots. Dr. BillyBobJoe says, “I had no idea I was stalking people! I just wanted to prevent the flu!”

Nanostalker tracking devices will be available for public purchase some time in November for around $999999999999999999999999999999999999999999. Look for them soon!