Captain Obvious - Superhero or Stalker?

“I was just enjoying a normal stroll. I noticed there were footsteps behind me . . . Was it Randy? No! It was Captain Obvious! He said, 'I'm stalking you.' But that was so silly! I continued walking . . . But then I realized he was planting a tracking device on me! By gollywhocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Such was the story of many innocent locales. Captain Obvious has become a pop culture phenomena, generating his very own series of comic books. In fact, his slogan on every issue is, “This is my comic book.”

But is there a dark side to the massively popular superhero? Some researchers think so. Recently, an unauthorized transaction with the Stalker Squad has been found, directly linked to Captain Obvious. In exchange for kryptonite tracking devices, Captain Obvious will assist the Stalker Squad in the “Every Child Stalked” act, commissioned by Randy.

What he'll do with the kryptonite tracking devices is unknown. Superman recently remarked, “He has kryptonite? By gollywhocks! AHHHHH!!!!!” He then ran away from the scene.

“It's incredible all the people that are jumping onto the stalker bandwagon,” says stalker researcher I. A. Brouhaha. “Stalking is becoming a massively popular hobby.
Either way, it's just another way Randy is STALKING the world.

Google Secretly Partners with Stalker Squad

Google has often been accused of taking over the world. Now, it's going to STALK the world!

A stalker insider (who wishes to be unnamed) says Google recently made a 5 billion dollar deal with the Stalker Squad. In exchange for 999999999 tracking devices, Google will now have the ability to stalks you anytime, anywhere. Using a Super Hi-Tech Ultra Awesomeness Pwnage Tracking Device (SHTUAPTD), Google raids your computer and finds your personal information. The information is then relayed to Google, which is relayed to the Stalker Squad, and then Randy stalks you!!!!!!

How the SHTUAPTD works is not entirely clear. Stalker researcher I. A. Brouhaha says, “We believe that Google sends little elves through wires, and then they start raiding your computer.” Others say highly – trained frogs and hippopotamuses. Either way, the threat is here. Google will stalk us all!!!!!!

Government Building is Now Rubble, Stalker Squad to Blame

“One normal day, I was walking home,” says an anonymous bystander. “Then all of a sudden, I heard a BOOOOOM!!! I turned around, and the government building was gone!”

Such is the story of many people living in the area. Yesterday night, the government building spontaneously exploded, for no apparent reason. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but all the survivors are suffering from post traumatic stalker disorder.

“Most buildings don't explode,” says Captain Obvious. “I think Randy has something to do with this!”

Stalker researchers say that Randy planted a broccoli head in a desk. This broccoli secretly had a tracking device in it. An unassuming employee picked it up, and the broccoli became alive! This employee accidentally tripped, and fell on the floor, dropping the broccoli. However, the veggie then fell into a chute connected to an experimental nuclear fusion plant. It just so happened that the plant didn't like broccoli, and it decided to EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!

But was it a coincidence that the plant didn't like broccoli? Researchers think not. O. M. Golly says, “What's the chance that a nuclear fusion plant doesn't like veggies? And then what's the chance of not liking broccoli? Slim to none. We believe that Randy coordinated this, making sure ahead of time that it didn't like broccoli.”

The federal government has now raised Stalker likeliness level to “By gollywhocks we're all going to get stalked!”

Stalker Acronyms for Online Chatting

Basic

SS – Stalker squad
BG – By gollywhocks
GW – Gollywhocks
OMGGG – Oh my good golly gosh
ODM – Oh deary me
WZ – Wowie zowie
BHH – Brouhaha
ICS – I can't escape
YCS – You can't escape
RIS – Randy is here!!!!!!!!!!! :O

Complex
RISMBG – Randy is stalking me by gollywhocks
RISYBG – Randy is stalking you by gollywhocks
RBCTEDNS – Randy, Bailey, Clifford, Tucker, Edwards Jones, DJ Owens, Nelson, Selma
UOIABHH – Uh oh, it's a brouhaha
TSSICON – The Stalker Squad is coming oh no
YCRBYCH – You can run but you can't hide
NOCEAS – No one can escape a STALKER!!!!!
YCEYK – You can't escape, you know

You can also combine acronyms! For example . . .
OMGGGRISMBG – Oh my good golly gosh, Randy is stalking me by gollywhocks

Movie and Video Game Adaptation of Randy's Autobiography to Come

Randy's runaway hit autobiography, “I Will Stalk You,” is confirmed to have a movie and video game based on the book. “Stalking is taking on a much wider appeal,” says stalker analyst I. M. N. Stalker. “The niche of stalkers will soon grow to an important sector in the media industry.”

Michael Boore, director of the documentaries “Bowling for Columstalk” and “Fahrenheit 5741k3r”, will be take charge of the movie. “We really want to capture the essence of Randy and his stalking abilities,” says Boore. “It'll be quite a challenge.”

A preview of the movie has recently been leaked onto the internet. Transcript as follows:

Victim: La dee la dee la . . . What a wonderful day!

Randy: Mwahahaaa!!!

Victim: BY GOLLYWHOCKS! Ahhhhh!!!!!

Randy: NO ONE CAN ESCAPE A STALKER!

Of course, Randy won't show his face in a nationwide movie. Actor Tom Bruise will be portraying the stalker.

The video game will be released on Xbox 360. The objective is to stalk unaware
bystanders and make them say, “By gollywhocks!” The louder they shout, the more points you get. These points can purchase tracking devices and other stalker trinkets.

However, the game is subject to some recent controversy. Lawyer Jack Mompson says the game is, “overly scary and might frighten little children.” It is rumored that Mompson was stalked and is currently held hostage at Stalker Squad HQ.

Randy’s Autobiography Tops the Sales Chart

Randy’s recently released autobiography, entitled “I Will Stalk You”, has currently become the New York Times #1 bestseller. Book reviewer A. O. Bott has some comments to say, “It’s very interesting that stalking can take such massive appeal in America. I suspect that stalking will become a new fad.”

His book talks about how Randy created the stalker squad and his first five victims. Interestingly, every chapter ends with his victim screaming, “BY GOLLYWHOCKS!” Experts say that the word “Gollywhocks” could soon become part of modern vocabulary.

We recently got a chance to interview Randy at his maximum security stalker squad. Transcript as follows:

Us: What inspired you to write about stalking?

Randy: I wanted to remember the heyday of when I was a young lad, making my very own tracking device.

Us: So this is a memoir?

Randy: I guess so.

Us: What will your next book be about?

Randy: About how I stalked YOUUUU!!!!!

Us: AHHHH!!!!! BY GOLLYWHOCKS!

Our interview was abruptly ended. It is rumored that our interviewer is being taken hostage. Stay tuned for more updates.