Randy Emerges as Frontrunner for 2012 Election

Randy "The Stalker" Stalka has recently announced his candidacy in the 2012 election. "It's about time I was in charge of this place," said Mr. Stalka in a televised press conference. More details will follow as the story develops.

Stalker Space – The New Social Networking Site

Social networking sites have exploded in popularity. With MySpace, Facebook, Jaiku, Twitter, and others you can see there's fierce competition. But are a new breed of these sites coming? Some researchers think so.

Dubbed “Stalker Space”, it will be the first “Stalker Networking Site”, or SNS for short. The Stalker Squad worked in conjunction with Microsoft to create this site, with Bill Gates calling it, “A huge leap for STAAAALKING THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Stalker programmer I. M. Leetzorz says, “The idea for Stalker Space was to allow ordinary citizens like YOU to stalk anyone in the world! This allows stalking to be much more accessible.”

In Stalker Space, you are given e-stalker tracking devices, in which you must stalk random people with. The ultimate objective is to become the “UBER SPIFFYORIFFISTASTIC HAXORZ AWESOMENESS STAALKER!!!!!!!!”, by stalking everyone.

However, the site isn't without controversy. Some say that this might convince young children to join the Stalker Squad. In fact, the site actually encourages members to recruit. Lawyer Back Thompson says, “This is simply unacceptable! Stalking people for fun?! I'm suing you!”

It is rumored that Thompson is held hostage in the Stalker Squad. Stay tuned for more updates.

Tracking Devices Found in Bottled Water

A few weeks ago, twelve year old BoPeepPork was drinking bottled water. Suddenly, the bottle turned into a iguana and said, “NO ONE CAN ESCAPE A STAAAALKER!!!!”

“By gollywhocks!” BoPeepPork shouted. He ran around in circles, until he fainted. He is currently surviving on life support.

Such is the story of thousands of Americans last week, all drinking bottled water. Stalker researcher U. Cant Escape says, “Just last week, over 50,000 citizens were struck with PTSD (post -traumatic stalker disorder), all of whom were regular drinkers of bottled water. Coincidence? I think not!”

He then went on to explain that the Stalker Squad recently hosted a meeting, with the CEO's of bottled water companies invited. When we asked I. M. N. Scam (president of Fiji Water) about this, he said, “Hey, what are you doing here?! Security! Call the FBI!” The interview was abruptly ended.

Some insiders have told us that the meeting was actually about how they could fit nano-stalker devices into bottled water. It is said that 481723948712576015 dollars have been exchanged for these tracking devices.

“It's simply incredible what they're doing! Randy's going to take over the world, one bottle at a time.”

Well, it's just another reason not to drink bottled water.

Was William Penn a Stalker?

In the heart of Philadelphia stands city hall. Towering over 500 feet in the air, the tallest building up to 1908, stands a statue. That statue is William Penn. Credited with founding the land of Pennsylvania and the city of Philadelphia, he's known as one of the greatest men of time. But was he a secretly stalker?

Some think so. Conspiracy theorist and stalker researcher U. R. Rong says, “Recently, my colleagues unearthed a diary entitled 'I'm a STAAALKER!' and it was undeniably credited to William Penn.”

The diary talks about how Penn stalked his many victims. One passage reads, “We weren't really Quakers. The Religious Society of Friends? Bah! We were STALKERS! Born to stalk!”

In another entry, he says, “My 'Greene Town' of Philadelphia is flourishing quite well. We managed to plant tracking devices on every citizen, and we're stalking EVERYONE! Pretty soon I'll stalk the entire NEW WOOORLD!!!! MWAHAHAAA!!!!”

The findings have left the world in shock. “It's incredible that we can see this drastically different view on William Penn. I'm still amazed that this exists.”

It is also rumored that Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein were stalkers. Stay tuned for more updates.

Captain Obvious - Superhero or Stalker?

“I was just enjoying a normal stroll. I noticed there were footsteps behind me . . . Was it Randy? No! It was Captain Obvious! He said, 'I'm stalking you.' But that was so silly! I continued walking . . . But then I realized he was planting a tracking device on me! By gollywhocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Such was the story of many innocent locales. Captain Obvious has become a pop culture phenomena, generating his very own series of comic books. In fact, his slogan on every issue is, “This is my comic book.”

But is there a dark side to the massively popular superhero? Some researchers think so. Recently, an unauthorized transaction with the Stalker Squad has been found, directly linked to Captain Obvious. In exchange for kryptonite tracking devices, Captain Obvious will assist the Stalker Squad in the “Every Child Stalked” act, commissioned by Randy.

What he'll do with the kryptonite tracking devices is unknown. Superman recently remarked, “He has kryptonite? By gollywhocks! AHHHHH!!!!!” He then ran away from the scene.

“It's incredible all the people that are jumping onto the stalker bandwagon,” says stalker researcher I. A. Brouhaha. “Stalking is becoming a massively popular hobby.
Either way, it's just another way Randy is STALKING the world.