Stalker Space – The New Social Networking Site

Social networking sites have exploded in popularity. With MySpace, Facebook, Jaiku, Twitter, and others you can see there's fierce competition. But are a new breed of these sites coming? Some researchers think so.

Dubbed “Stalker Space”, it will be the first “Stalker Networking Site”, or SNS for short. The Stalker Squad worked in conjunction with Microsoft to create this site, with Bill Gates calling it, “A huge leap for STAAAALKING THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Stalker programmer I. M. Leetzorz says, “The idea for Stalker Space was to allow ordinary citizens like YOU to stalk anyone in the world! This allows stalking to be much more accessible.”

In Stalker Space, you are given e-stalker tracking devices, in which you must stalk random people with. The ultimate objective is to become the “UBER SPIFFYORIFFISTASTIC HAXORZ AWESOMENESS STAALKER!!!!!!!!”, by stalking everyone.

However, the site isn't without controversy. Some say that this might convince young children to join the Stalker Squad. In fact, the site actually encourages members to recruit. Lawyer Back Thompson says, “This is simply unacceptable! Stalking people for fun?! I'm suing you!”

It is rumored that Thompson is held hostage in the Stalker Squad. Stay tuned for more updates.

Tracking Devices Found in Bottled Water

A few weeks ago, twelve year old BoPeepPork was drinking bottled water. Suddenly, the bottle turned into a iguana and said, “NO ONE CAN ESCAPE A STAAAALKER!!!!”

“By gollywhocks!” BoPeepPork shouted. He ran around in circles, until he fainted. He is currently surviving on life support.

Such is the story of thousands of Americans last week, all drinking bottled water. Stalker researcher U. Cant Escape says, “Just last week, over 50,000 citizens were struck with PTSD (post -traumatic stalker disorder), all of whom were regular drinkers of bottled water. Coincidence? I think not!”

He then went on to explain that the Stalker Squad recently hosted a meeting, with the CEO's of bottled water companies invited. When we asked I. M. N. Scam (president of Fiji Water) about this, he said, “Hey, what are you doing here?! Security! Call the FBI!” The interview was abruptly ended.

Some insiders have told us that the meeting was actually about how they could fit nano-stalker devices into bottled water. It is said that 481723948712576015 dollars have been exchanged for these tracking devices.

“It's simply incredible what they're doing! Randy's going to take over the world, one bottle at a time.”

Well, it's just another reason not to drink bottled water.

Was William Penn a Stalker?

In the heart of Philadelphia stands city hall. Towering over 500 feet in the air, the tallest building up to 1908, stands a statue. That statue is William Penn. Credited with founding the land of Pennsylvania and the city of Philadelphia, he's known as one of the greatest men of time. But was he a secretly stalker?

Some think so. Conspiracy theorist and stalker researcher U. R. Rong says, “Recently, my colleagues unearthed a diary entitled 'I'm a STAAALKER!' and it was undeniably credited to William Penn.”

The diary talks about how Penn stalked his many victims. One passage reads, “We weren't really Quakers. The Religious Society of Friends? Bah! We were STALKERS! Born to stalk!”

In another entry, he says, “My 'Greene Town' of Philadelphia is flourishing quite well. We managed to plant tracking devices on every citizen, and we're stalking EVERYONE! Pretty soon I'll stalk the entire NEW WOOORLD!!!! MWAHAHAAA!!!!”

The findings have left the world in shock. “It's incredible that we can see this drastically different view on William Penn. I'm still amazed that this exists.”

It is also rumored that Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein were stalkers. Stay tuned for more updates.

Captain Obvious - Superhero or Stalker?

“I was just enjoying a normal stroll. I noticed there were footsteps behind me . . . Was it Randy? No! It was Captain Obvious! He said, 'I'm stalking you.' But that was so silly! I continued walking . . . But then I realized he was planting a tracking device on me! By gollywhocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Such was the story of many innocent locales. Captain Obvious has become a pop culture phenomena, generating his very own series of comic books. In fact, his slogan on every issue is, “This is my comic book.”

But is there a dark side to the massively popular superhero? Some researchers think so. Recently, an unauthorized transaction with the Stalker Squad has been found, directly linked to Captain Obvious. In exchange for kryptonite tracking devices, Captain Obvious will assist the Stalker Squad in the “Every Child Stalked” act, commissioned by Randy.

What he'll do with the kryptonite tracking devices is unknown. Superman recently remarked, “He has kryptonite? By gollywhocks! AHHHHH!!!!!” He then ran away from the scene.

“It's incredible all the people that are jumping onto the stalker bandwagon,” says stalker researcher I. A. Brouhaha. “Stalking is becoming a massively popular hobby.
Either way, it's just another way Randy is STALKING the world.

Google Secretly Partners with Stalker Squad

Google has often been accused of taking over the world. Now, it's going to STALK the world!

A stalker insider (who wishes to be unnamed) says Google recently made a 5 billion dollar deal with the Stalker Squad. In exchange for 999999999 tracking devices, Google will now have the ability to stalks you anytime, anywhere. Using a Super Hi-Tech Ultra Awesomeness Pwnage Tracking Device (SHTUAPTD), Google raids your computer and finds your personal information. The information is then relayed to Google, which is relayed to the Stalker Squad, and then Randy stalks you!!!!!!

How the SHTUAPTD works is not entirely clear. Stalker researcher I. A. Brouhaha says, “We believe that Google sends little elves through wires, and then they start raiding your computer.” Others say highly – trained frogs and hippopotamuses. Either way, the threat is here. Google will stalk us all!!!!!!

Government Building is Now Rubble, Stalker Squad to Blame

“One normal day, I was walking home,” says an anonymous bystander. “Then all of a sudden, I heard a BOOOOOM!!! I turned around, and the government building was gone!”

Such is the story of many people living in the area. Yesterday night, the government building spontaneously exploded, for no apparent reason. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but all the survivors are suffering from post traumatic stalker disorder.

“Most buildings don't explode,” says Captain Obvious. “I think Randy has something to do with this!”

Stalker researchers say that Randy planted a broccoli head in a desk. This broccoli secretly had a tracking device in it. An unassuming employee picked it up, and the broccoli became alive! This employee accidentally tripped, and fell on the floor, dropping the broccoli. However, the veggie then fell into a chute connected to an experimental nuclear fusion plant. It just so happened that the plant didn't like broccoli, and it decided to EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!

But was it a coincidence that the plant didn't like broccoli? Researchers think not. O. M. Golly says, “What's the chance that a nuclear fusion plant doesn't like veggies? And then what's the chance of not liking broccoli? Slim to none. We believe that Randy coordinated this, making sure ahead of time that it didn't like broccoli.”

The federal government has now raised Stalker likeliness level to “By gollywhocks we're all going to get stalked!”

Stalker Squad Unveils “E-Stalking”

A few weeks ago, four year old MaryJoeBob was playing on the computer. While playing Reader Rabbit, a flashing image of Randy appeared, along with the sound clip, “I WILL STAAAAAALK YOU!!!!!!” She is currently suffering from seizures.

MaryJoeBob's parents were outraged, and decided to sue the company that made Reader Rabbit. However, they claimed that no one ever programed the flashing image.

Then how did it happen? Most stalker researchers believe it was E-Stalking. Randy sent out a malicious virus, which firewalls and antiviruses can not detect, and infected MaryJoeBob's computer. It then planted a tracking device, allowing the Stalker Squad to access any information on the computer, and more importantly, STALK the victim!

“No computer is safe,” says stalker researcher I. Will Stalk U. “Whether you have Windows, Mac, Linux, Solaris, it doesn't matter. RANDY WILL STALK YOU!!!!!”

But it's not just computers. Rumor has it that Apple recently made a deal with the Stalker Squad, meaning all iPods sold will secretly have tracking devices. Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, says, “Hey, how did you know?!”

It has also rumored that Steve Jobs is being held hostage at Bailey Road. Stay tuned for more updates.

Stalker Acronyms for Online Chatting

Basic

SS – Stalker squad
BG – By gollywhocks
GW – Gollywhocks
OMGGG – Oh my good golly gosh
ODM – Oh deary me
WZ – Wowie zowie
BHH – Brouhaha
ICS – I can't escape
YCS – You can't escape
RIS – Randy is here!!!!!!!!!!! :O

Complex
RISMBG – Randy is stalking me by gollywhocks
RISYBG – Randy is stalking you by gollywhocks
RBCTEDNS – Randy, Bailey, Clifford, Tucker, Edwards Jones, DJ Owens, Nelson, Selma
UOIABHH – Uh oh, it's a brouhaha
TSSICON – The Stalker Squad is coming oh no
YCRBYCH – You can run but you can't hide
NOCEAS – No one can escape a STALKER!!!!!
YCEYK – You can't escape, you know

You can also combine acronyms! For example . . .
OMGGGRISMBG – Oh my good golly gosh, Randy is stalking me by gollywhocks

Nanostalking – The Wave of the Future?

Tracking devices have become synonymous with stalkers. In fact, the Stalker Squad has been reported to have over 999999999999999999 of these devices.

But are a new breed of these stalker trinkets coming? Some stalker scientists think so. Researchers at the MIS (Massachusetts Institute of Stalking) have developed a new kind of tracking device, one billionth smaller than current ones.

“It really is an exciting development,” says stalker researcher B. Gollywhocks. “This can be the future of stalking.”

Nanostalker tracking devices will be the size of red blood cells, small enough to fit through blood vessels. The challenge, however, is how to get them into your body.

“Some researchers are trying to make them go up your nose, ear canal, or mouth. Others are experimenting with injections.”

In fact, nanostalker tracking devices have been found in flu vaccines and other shots. Dr. BillyBobJoe says, “I had no idea I was stalking people! I just wanted to prevent the flu!”

Nanostalker tracking devices will be available for public purchase some time in November for around $999999999999999999999999999999999999999999. Look for them soon!

Movie and Video Game Adaptation of Randy's Autobiography to Come

Randy's runaway hit autobiography, “I Will Stalk You,” is confirmed to have a movie and video game based on the book. “Stalking is taking on a much wider appeal,” says stalker analyst I. M. N. Stalker. “The niche of stalkers will soon grow to an important sector in the media industry.”

Michael Boore, director of the documentaries “Bowling for Columstalk” and “Fahrenheit 5741k3r”, will be take charge of the movie. “We really want to capture the essence of Randy and his stalking abilities,” says Boore. “It'll be quite a challenge.”

A preview of the movie has recently been leaked onto the internet. Transcript as follows:

Victim: La dee la dee la . . . What a wonderful day!

Randy: Mwahahaaa!!!

Victim: BY GOLLYWHOCKS! Ahhhhh!!!!!

Randy: NO ONE CAN ESCAPE A STALKER!

Of course, Randy won't show his face in a nationwide movie. Actor Tom Bruise will be portraying the stalker.

The video game will be released on Xbox 360. The objective is to stalk unaware
bystanders and make them say, “By gollywhocks!” The louder they shout, the more points you get. These points can purchase tracking devices and other stalker trinkets.

However, the game is subject to some recent controversy. Lawyer Jack Mompson says the game is, “overly scary and might frighten little children.” It is rumored that Mompson was stalked and is currently held hostage at Stalker Squad HQ.

Randy’s Autobiography Tops the Sales Chart

Randy’s recently released autobiography, entitled “I Will Stalk You”, has currently become the New York Times #1 bestseller. Book reviewer A. O. Bott has some comments to say, “It’s very interesting that stalking can take such massive appeal in America. I suspect that stalking will become a new fad.”

His book talks about how Randy created the stalker squad and his first five victims. Interestingly, every chapter ends with his victim screaming, “BY GOLLYWHOCKS!” Experts say that the word “Gollywhocks” could soon become part of modern vocabulary.

We recently got a chance to interview Randy at his maximum security stalker squad. Transcript as follows:

Us: What inspired you to write about stalking?

Randy: I wanted to remember the heyday of when I was a young lad, making my very own tracking device.

Us: So this is a memoir?

Randy: I guess so.

Us: What will your next book be about?

Randy: About how I stalked YOUUUU!!!!!

Us: AHHHH!!!!! BY GOLLYWHOCKS!

Our interview was abruptly ended. It is rumored that our interviewer is being taken hostage. Stay tuned for more updates.